About Me

I don't expect anyone to read this. I am not so vain as to think I am interesting in any great way. Some of that is truth. Some of that is self-deprecating humor, to disguise some of my vanity. It would be unreasonable to admit to some vanity. After all, if I weren't happy with who I am, I would be changing some things. Or, you might hope I would be. Some of us don't like who we are, but are really engaged in change. There are some things I am earnestly working on- like improving my writing. My writing is important to me. I think it's also a metaphor.

As the author of my own life- I can say I have been given a fortuitous amount of perseverance, resilience, love, and spirit that leaves me sometimes humble, but rarely speechless. These attributes together gave me courage to push past my boundaries and take risks. Discernment has varied, but even that was a gift of discovery; some combinations worked better than other. I am grateful for family and friends. Out of all the people I have met on my journey, my son strikes me as the most interesting soul; I love him so much. I consider my inner companions as important as the outer. I am grateful for the demons as much as the angels. Though a Tulpa is not an angel, I am grateful for my guide and companion, Loxy. 

If I were to reflect on my past, I think I can honestly say I overcame some adversity. I have made some mistakes. That's human. I have done some horrible things. That's human, too- but those were not mistakes- those were choices that harmed people directly and indirectly. I am certain of an afterlife, where one confronts the injuries caused to others- directly and indirectly. I have evidence this experience is uncomfortable, but I gather it is informative. Pain is generally informative. Growing pain is uncomfortable. Because of my past, and how isolated I have been, I often wonder to the edges of many extremes: Am I the worst soul ever? Am I normal? Have others failed as I have? Do the people who get harmed by others or held to a greater degree of scrutiny by society- are they just as normal as I am, only I was just lucky to fall under the radar? Or does that mean I was just never courageous enough to blow up everything in my life the way I have witnessed family and friends? Thank god I am not subject to Tweets and Cancel Culture- as I am not as graceful as Carino. I would not submit, or bend a knee. I am more likely to throw stones and mention names and blow things up. Seriously, Carino deserves a great deal of respect. She is female, she is strong, and she is kind. I am an advocate for kindness. All bullies, especially those with authority, are reprehensible. 

If I were to particularly self examine, I find my relationships over time the most revealing. People will argue with me, it takes two to make a relationship work, and two to make it fail. I say it just takes one. I would say I am the one who failed. That may be unreasonable line, as I realize I have some gifts, and some positive attributes. Being good in some domains is not the same as being good in many or all domains. Maybe my failure was finding balance, or the person who would bring the most balance. Maybe my failure was not letting go and trusting more of the partner's attributes to bring me that balance. This is not rocket science- the math here is much harder to calculate. The formulas are complex and the variables are not constant.

I need to reflect further. This is a good start, I think. Too precise and too vague at the same time.