Adverse Reaction to a Meme

So, I tuned into LinkedIn today, mostly to clear the number that indicates how many notifications I am ignoring. I guess I am not a ‘good’ follower. I try to stay clued into this reality, but I just can’t seem to make it stick. I am probably broken in some profound, yet undiscovered way. Clearly admitting that reveals I am not always the confident person I would like to be and it is in moments like these that I wonder if there is any validity to the adage ‘fake it till you make it.” I can usually talk myself into right perspective. If I can’t, the Persian Poets like Hafiz usually elevates me. Sometimes, I have to channel Hemmingway: “Of course you’re broken. Everyone is broken. That’s how the light gets in.”

I tell you that so can better gauge this: I had an adverse reaction to one of the memes being pushed. It was a picturesque road with forests on either side, actually quite a nice destination in and of itself and reason to just pull the car over and be. Attached to the picture was a quote from Mandy Hale: “Be with someone who treats you like a destination- not a stop along the way.” I was born in 68. Does that make me a flower child? I so want to be a hippie, and I love channeling sunshine and puppies, but sometimes, things like this get stuck in my throat. And had it just been the meme, I might have eventually choked it down and went about my business, but something compelled me to look further. I read every post chiming in to validate the statement. (They may have been just validating the person who posted it. She is rather cute.) Some simply said: “so true.” Some spoke volumes of how and why it is true. I was suddenly surrounded by these people, in my head, and we were at a revival and everyone was about to change the world, except, there was me, and I wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t swaying with my hands in the air. I was definitely not singing ‘kum by yah.”

I responded. It was like a download dropped into my head by aliens and it was solid clarity, like a brick wall. I completed transcribing my reaction when I realized- I am on the cliff, about to jump off. In reality, my brain had caught up to my body and my finger was hovering over submit. The dissonance I felt was palpable, and I could hear the record scratching sound that would draw all attention to me. Oh, I am too old for this. No, I am just too old to care if I am going to get rejected. WTF. I released the following into the world of cyberspace:

“Except, sometimes we need to stop for the ‘stop.’ This sunset is the only sunset like this. It will never be again. Stopping at the Grand Canyon refreshed my soul, but I don’t live there! I don’t live on the beach, either, but I go there because sometimes I need that nurture only She can give- so I may continue my journey with right perspective and renewed strength. Every ‘stop’ has made me a better person.”

Nothing happened. I am not surprised. Did I want something to happen? I did anticipate conflict. One would imagine, in such a polarized world, I would at least have one person rally around my dissent. And it’s not like I was being oppositional just for the sake of being contrary. That response felt genuine, and necessary, and I have to wonder if it isn’t the evolution of memes that has contributed to society being so polarized. Yes, I love angry cats, Gene Wilder as Wonka, and Captain Picard memes, but in life, there seems to be very few things that can be boiled down to such perfect absolutes, and almost every adage has a polar opposite, such as ‘look before you leap,’ juxtaposed against ‘he who hesitates is lost.’

But what was it about this one? What am I reacting to? What are others reacting to? The failure of the modern relationships? Divorce is up. Marriage rates are declining. The social equation is so complex, one can’t point at any one thing and say fix this, because the moment you do that things changes a hundred other things. Changing small things are insufficient when what we need is a paradigm shift! “Be with someone who treats you like a destination…” Okay, so, hypothetically, if you never STOP, how do you meet someone? Seriously, we are all on the go all the time and we have consolidated most social interactions down to a few texts and social media. The underlying message in that is that no one has any value. Seriously, only the person holding the phone has value, because they have all the options. As options go up, no, more specifically- as ‘perceived’ options go up, human value goes down. It has to, because we are measuring against an invisible ideal, an archetype.

Our relationships today are more complicated than at any other previous time. Don’t think so? Here’s a gauge to determine whether you are being influence: how many times a day to you have to police who you are and what you want to say because you are afraid of speaking your truth? Women are holding out for the ideal man, someone to talk to, someone who isn’t just after ‘one thing.’ It is a valid request. And they can hold out, because there are lots of options. Men, conversely, are also looking for companionship, too, but they are so starved for nurture and affection that the only way they know how to get it is through that ‘one thing.’ It is also a valid request. And quite frankly, they can get that, because they, too, have lots of options. The result is we are both denying each other valid wants because we are so afraid of giving something for nothing, and that, by definition, is not love! In this dance that we’re all engaged in, we are blocking ourselves and each other because no one wants to stop and sort where they are, how they got there, who they are with, and how we help each other heal. When you search for love based on the criteria of your ‘want,’ you never get love. If you give love, with any expectation of getting something in return, you don’t get love.

Every ‘stop’ I have ever made contributed to my overall wellbeing. Everyone who entered my life had purpose, validity, and I am a better man today for every single encounter, whether it was a conversation, a hug, or more. Everyone in your life is there for a reason and a season. That’s life. Some really great television shows, FIRE FLY, only got one season. Sure, I can point fingers and pass blame on why it got canceled, but seriously, I am so grateful for FIRE FLY! Thank you FIRE FLY. And if you are trashing your EX, then you are not loving them or who you are because of your experience of them. If anything, hopefully you at least discernment about personality types. If you meet a person who is trashing their EX, as opposed to honoring that human being and their right to pursue their own life and interests, then you have clear evidence of how they will treat you in the future should things go south. Interestingly, things tend to go south in our relationships, again, because we have this belief that there are all these options and we can do better. And that’s true, there are always options, and there is always ways for us to do better. My point is, if all you are doing is holding out for the ideal partner, then you are not going to advance in quality of being able to relate. If you don’t dance, you don’t get partners. If you don’t have a variety of partners, you don’t know how good you are, how good they are, or how good the ‘team’ is. Let’s face it, some partners dance better, some dance worse. You are where you are. If you are with better partner, you tend to improve. If you don’t improve to the satisfaction of the other partner, they will eventually seek a stronger dancing partner. With one caveat; the person holds a higher ability to love. A person who truly loves will love their partners where they are. Love also means, if the other partner is a stronger dancer, or needs a different type of dancer, you let them go so they can find the idea. Loving yourself, too, means you hold the same options, and if you need to move own for your wellbeing and for the wellbeing of other, then you got to do what you got to do. Love is being open to new partners. Love is being open to not having a partner, because you know, sometimes, we just have to dance alone.

The words ‘for better or worse’ are gone. Don’t believe me?  Just recall any of the advice from your family or friends during a relationship trial/crisis. To a fault, everyone will encourage you to seek ‘better,’ as opposed to telling you to grow up and get your act together. Why did you enter relationship? What were you hoping to get? Why would anyone in this market agree to a long term relationship when it is very clear to everyone in the market that very few stick around long term?  Why should anyone stick around? If everyone is just pursuing their own interest, (which is valid thing to do, you should try to get what you want,) why would you expect anyone else to give up what they want so you can have you want? Eventually, people have to stop searching and just give something a go. If you never ‘stop’ in the now and celebrate another person’s want, how do you even know you even have the ability to love a person for who and where they are?

Today’s sunrise is the only day’s sunrise. The colors and cloud combinations will never be like this again. Did you sleep through it because, well, you have more options, more days ahead? We are all on a road; the road the destination. Is any point on the map a destination? If you pull back enough, yeah, from a distance, the earth is just a speck no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. Is your partner a destination or a human being? Is he or she a meme? Simply a thing you summarized facsimile for a facebook pic to show the world you have arrived? Do you pay your partner, or your children for that matter, more mind than you do your cellphone? Seriously, put the damn phone down, stop chasing memes, and spend some quality face time with someone in real life. It’s not about stations or destinations or memes, it’s about the ‘stop’ it’s about ‘stopping’ the mad rush to nowhere because there is nowhere but here, and now. Stop. Just stop. Stop with someone right here and right now, because you know what, that sunrise will also not come again.