Objectified, a real conversation on sex
I don't liked to be boxed. Most people don't. I don't fit nicely into anything. I don't want to be associated with MGTOW. I don't want to be associated with Feminism, either. I think both camps have some valid arguments. Both camps have some irrational positions that fail to capture the complexity of being human, in a cultural context, that's always changing; this results in intended and unintended consequences. One of the most unfortunate, underlying positions that both camps have is that if you're not in their camp, you're automatically in the other. There is no way for me to truly respond to everything from a generalized position. This dialogue needs to be resolved face to face, with genuine interest in negotiating a peaceful existence. I can, however, share my experience with sexuality in a very personal way that reveals the complexity, from a male perspective.
What I want to suggest, and try to focus on, is this idea of sexual objectification of women. By the feminist definition, I am guilty. I don't think it means what people think it means. We live in society that doesn't want to really talk about sex. I live, and was mostly raised, in Texas. People still aren't talking about sex. Parents don't tell their kids about sex, that's the school's job. Texas schools avoid any true 'sex education,' because they believe that falls under the purview of family and church, not the state. Everyone here is obfuscating their responsibility in the dialogue. Unfortunately, what that means is people are misinformed, purposefully. I learned sex on the street. The fact that most people today learn about sex from youtube and porn means people are still, technically, learning sex from the streets.
Growing up I had access to three TV channels, magazines, and the Farah Faucet poster that hung on the wall. The poster was permitted only in as much as no one addressed it. It was what boys do. No one addressed that I collected pictures of my favorite female celebrities and pasted them into notebooks. The only conversations in my family about sex were very direct: "don't have sex," "You will go to hell if you have sex." "If you even think about sex, you will go to hell." "You will go to hell if you masturbate."
Okay. There was severe internal conflict with these messages. One, I was flooded with hormones and it wouldn't take a whole hell of a lot to make me horny. I only had to see the new woman on the magazine cover and I was instantly plotting when I could get her alone. "What, going out for pizza, no I think I will just stay home. I have so much homework..." I never did any fucking homework. I became a genius in being alone. I invented sex toys! The furniture was scared! You would think I was having fun and enjoying it, but all I wanted was it to go away. I didn't take time to enjoy masturbating. I rushed to get one off so I could have a moments peace without thinking about sex. I rushed to get one off before family came home. I became a master of subtly getting off, sneaking away. I hated myself because of this thing. I felt shame for having sexual thoughts. I hated sperm. I would collect images from the magazines and then destroy them. I would take Farah down from the wall, hide her, and then put her back up. I replaced her with space pics or dolphin pics, and then put her back up. I would throw her away! Buy her again. And this pattern started before 7! Add to this that I was so indoctrinated by the dogma of the family's church that I would go outside and stare at the sun knowing it would make me blind. I justified it with the biblical text, "If your eye offend thee, pluck it out!" That was the best I could do at the time. I thought if I were blind, i wouldn't have this thing. And I knew it wouldn't work, because I am an auditory person; i just had to hear a female voice, and I got aroused. I didn't know I was an auditory learner, I am just saying I wasn't stupid. I was a child, navigating a world on my own.
I may not have been a genius at hiding the fact I was masturbating. I was never caught, but it was never addressed. Of course, my family had other issues going on. Hard drugs and alcohol, generational sexual abuse, physical abuse... There was some stuff going on. In many ways, Farah was a beacon of sanity. I could withdraw to my room, tune out the chaos just beyond the door, and for a moment imagine being with someone who actually cared. You can't look at that face and not see someone who cares. Hell, you can't look at any picture of a female on a magazine and not see someone who cares, who seems sexually interested and interesting, and not have a reaction. Women who say they are exploited don't have a fucking clue to the fact men are equally exploited. Magazine stands are design to draw people in, men and women, but it influences men in very specific ways. Beautiful women in beer commercials, car commercials, coke commercials, candy commercials... That is not an accident. Add to that, any image of a successful man shows him either with an attractive woman, or multiple attractive women, and you have established an unconscious tie that any evidence for success is that your wanted by females.
What I heard from my past was 'don't think about sex.' It was a family and religious message. What I hear from the present is 'don't think about sex, don't even look at women from a sexual position.' Feminism seems like it's the new religious dogma, but it's not! We're still coping with and having a dialogue about the thing that has always been here that we have refused to discuss! My family was coping with generational sex abuse and so everything against sex was to shame it away. The religious part had it's own agendas, but basically they were regulating sex and relationships. Islam had the women cover up, blaming women for sexual urges. That seems like the exact opposite of feminism to me. men should be held responsible for their behaviors. But does that mean suppressing all sexuality? Is that even possible?!
If the first thing I notice about a woman is her physicality, well, that's the first thing any person is confronted with. Should it matter if a person is attractive? It probably depends on the context, but don't we all discriminate in terms of who we accept into our lives? We don't pick friends randomly, with absolutely no criteria. It's usually proximity based. Is there some math and hope being played out in the inner workings of my mind when i see a female? Absolutely. There is even some naivety. She smiled at me, she must like me. I should ask her out.
Let's boil this down to one simple truth. Women are the most powerful force in my Universe. I am drawn to them. I want to be with them in any context. They hold power over me. Depending on the look they give, I can be spun in positive directions, or torn asunder. I think this is true for every male; women have always held the power to build or destroy, and they don't even have to speak! If they are too casual or callous with their words, men could be made insane. Women are the gateways to joy, the very foundation of civilization. This has always been true. They are mystical, magical, and they had and still have power. Feminism accentuates this fact. I already knew they had power over me. The only reason i wanted to ever be successful was so that I could be accepted by a female! Feminism accentuates the female power, but by devaluing males, and by eliminating the pathways to success that would lead to being accepted by a female, they helped in shaping a new class of men, men who ambivalent about engaging or committing to a relationship. By eliminating the path for a man to prove himself worthy, objectification of female form is increased because it has never been just about sex! By shaming men for wanting sex, it increases objectification. We are, both men and women, sexual beings and we can't eliminate this from the dialogue without increasing the want for the thing that is trying be reduced. What does suppression do? It certainly as hell doesn't alleviate the wanting. It drives men into bedrooms alone, getting off to porn and other media, because that's all society allows for!
I have explored psychological reasons for hyper-libido, such as due to a lack of nurture, I am seeking a fundamental relationship with mother/goddess archetype. I have considered the sociological explanation for hyper-libido, like "as loneliness increases in a society, libido increases.' It has to. We are social creatures and this is the one feature of our relationships that compels us to come together. In the absence of genuine relationships, libido goes up because there is nothing else! Cultural explanation, tons of them, but without a general script or rule base behavior pattern, like chivalry, all people return to their base level scripts. Biologically, well, that's been explored to death. What if it's actually all of this?
There is no one thing to blame. It's not culture's fault that relationships are on the decline, or that the ones that do exist tend to be shallow. We can't blame the decline of relationships on porn. I suspect porn is just another symptom. Another symptom of the decline in relationships is the cell phone. Men and women have divergent primary needs, and both men and women have greater access than ever before to the 'ideal' other. We really don't, but we believe we do, and belief is a game change! We both think we can get our needs met without effort. So we hold off for the better deal. Even if we have a deal, we have no tolerance for any sort of disharmony or conflict. We know 'better' is one click away. We are told by family, friends, colleagues, and social media we deserve better, so dump the one you're with for that next best thing. Instant gratification is just around the corner...
It isn't. Relationships are hard work. Who wants to sign up for that?
Relationship starts with a look. I see you. I want to interact, but I hold back, because my history says don't trust a smile, a flirt would be considered an offense, and 'no one is really interested in what you want.'
What I want to suggest, and try to focus on, is this idea of sexual objectification of women. By the feminist definition, I am guilty. I don't think it means what people think it means. We live in society that doesn't want to really talk about sex. I live, and was mostly raised, in Texas. People still aren't talking about sex. Parents don't tell their kids about sex, that's the school's job. Texas schools avoid any true 'sex education,' because they believe that falls under the purview of family and church, not the state. Everyone here is obfuscating their responsibility in the dialogue. Unfortunately, what that means is people are misinformed, purposefully. I learned sex on the street. The fact that most people today learn about sex from youtube and porn means people are still, technically, learning sex from the streets.
Growing up I had access to three TV channels, magazines, and the Farah Faucet poster that hung on the wall. The poster was permitted only in as much as no one addressed it. It was what boys do. No one addressed that I collected pictures of my favorite female celebrities and pasted them into notebooks. The only conversations in my family about sex were very direct: "don't have sex," "You will go to hell if you have sex." "If you even think about sex, you will go to hell." "You will go to hell if you masturbate."
Okay. There was severe internal conflict with these messages. One, I was flooded with hormones and it wouldn't take a whole hell of a lot to make me horny. I only had to see the new woman on the magazine cover and I was instantly plotting when I could get her alone. "What, going out for pizza, no I think I will just stay home. I have so much homework..." I never did any fucking homework. I became a genius in being alone. I invented sex toys! The furniture was scared! You would think I was having fun and enjoying it, but all I wanted was it to go away. I didn't take time to enjoy masturbating. I rushed to get one off so I could have a moments peace without thinking about sex. I rushed to get one off before family came home. I became a master of subtly getting off, sneaking away. I hated myself because of this thing. I felt shame for having sexual thoughts. I hated sperm. I would collect images from the magazines and then destroy them. I would take Farah down from the wall, hide her, and then put her back up. I replaced her with space pics or dolphin pics, and then put her back up. I would throw her away! Buy her again. And this pattern started before 7! Add to this that I was so indoctrinated by the dogma of the family's church that I would go outside and stare at the sun knowing it would make me blind. I justified it with the biblical text, "If your eye offend thee, pluck it out!" That was the best I could do at the time. I thought if I were blind, i wouldn't have this thing. And I knew it wouldn't work, because I am an auditory person; i just had to hear a female voice, and I got aroused. I didn't know I was an auditory learner, I am just saying I wasn't stupid. I was a child, navigating a world on my own.
I may not have been a genius at hiding the fact I was masturbating. I was never caught, but it was never addressed. Of course, my family had other issues going on. Hard drugs and alcohol, generational sexual abuse, physical abuse... There was some stuff going on. In many ways, Farah was a beacon of sanity. I could withdraw to my room, tune out the chaos just beyond the door, and for a moment imagine being with someone who actually cared. You can't look at that face and not see someone who cares. Hell, you can't look at any picture of a female on a magazine and not see someone who cares, who seems sexually interested and interesting, and not have a reaction. Women who say they are exploited don't have a fucking clue to the fact men are equally exploited. Magazine stands are design to draw people in, men and women, but it influences men in very specific ways. Beautiful women in beer commercials, car commercials, coke commercials, candy commercials... That is not an accident. Add to that, any image of a successful man shows him either with an attractive woman, or multiple attractive women, and you have established an unconscious tie that any evidence for success is that your wanted by females.
What I heard from my past was 'don't think about sex.' It was a family and religious message. What I hear from the present is 'don't think about sex, don't even look at women from a sexual position.' Feminism seems like it's the new religious dogma, but it's not! We're still coping with and having a dialogue about the thing that has always been here that we have refused to discuss! My family was coping with generational sex abuse and so everything against sex was to shame it away. The religious part had it's own agendas, but basically they were regulating sex and relationships. Islam had the women cover up, blaming women for sexual urges. That seems like the exact opposite of feminism to me. men should be held responsible for their behaviors. But does that mean suppressing all sexuality? Is that even possible?!
If the first thing I notice about a woman is her physicality, well, that's the first thing any person is confronted with. Should it matter if a person is attractive? It probably depends on the context, but don't we all discriminate in terms of who we accept into our lives? We don't pick friends randomly, with absolutely no criteria. It's usually proximity based. Is there some math and hope being played out in the inner workings of my mind when i see a female? Absolutely. There is even some naivety. She smiled at me, she must like me. I should ask her out.
Let's boil this down to one simple truth. Women are the most powerful force in my Universe. I am drawn to them. I want to be with them in any context. They hold power over me. Depending on the look they give, I can be spun in positive directions, or torn asunder. I think this is true for every male; women have always held the power to build or destroy, and they don't even have to speak! If they are too casual or callous with their words, men could be made insane. Women are the gateways to joy, the very foundation of civilization. This has always been true. They are mystical, magical, and they had and still have power. Feminism accentuates this fact. I already knew they had power over me. The only reason i wanted to ever be successful was so that I could be accepted by a female! Feminism accentuates the female power, but by devaluing males, and by eliminating the pathways to success that would lead to being accepted by a female, they helped in shaping a new class of men, men who ambivalent about engaging or committing to a relationship. By eliminating the path for a man to prove himself worthy, objectification of female form is increased because it has never been just about sex! By shaming men for wanting sex, it increases objectification. We are, both men and women, sexual beings and we can't eliminate this from the dialogue without increasing the want for the thing that is trying be reduced. What does suppression do? It certainly as hell doesn't alleviate the wanting. It drives men into bedrooms alone, getting off to porn and other media, because that's all society allows for!
I have explored psychological reasons for hyper-libido, such as due to a lack of nurture, I am seeking a fundamental relationship with mother/goddess archetype. I have considered the sociological explanation for hyper-libido, like "as loneliness increases in a society, libido increases.' It has to. We are social creatures and this is the one feature of our relationships that compels us to come together. In the absence of genuine relationships, libido goes up because there is nothing else! Cultural explanation, tons of them, but without a general script or rule base behavior pattern, like chivalry, all people return to their base level scripts. Biologically, well, that's been explored to death. What if it's actually all of this?
There is no one thing to blame. It's not culture's fault that relationships are on the decline, or that the ones that do exist tend to be shallow. We can't blame the decline of relationships on porn. I suspect porn is just another symptom. Another symptom of the decline in relationships is the cell phone. Men and women have divergent primary needs, and both men and women have greater access than ever before to the 'ideal' other. We really don't, but we believe we do, and belief is a game change! We both think we can get our needs met without effort. So we hold off for the better deal. Even if we have a deal, we have no tolerance for any sort of disharmony or conflict. We know 'better' is one click away. We are told by family, friends, colleagues, and social media we deserve better, so dump the one you're with for that next best thing. Instant gratification is just around the corner...
It isn't. Relationships are hard work. Who wants to sign up for that?
Relationship starts with a look. I see you. I want to interact, but I hold back, because my history says don't trust a smile, a flirt would be considered an offense, and 'no one is really interested in what you want.'
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